Intentionally Estranged, Disposable Relationships: Is This A Thing?

It's bad enough that people forsake family obligations so often. But now they're forsaking the actual family. What's behind this pandemic of estrangement?

Estrangement from relatives is nothing new. Husbands and wives drift apart. Siblings and cousins have a falling out. Someone turns into a creeper. Someone apostatizes from the family religion and gets shunned.

But there’s a new and disturbing trend I’ve seen in recent years as a relationship coach.

Family Members Are Starting To Estrange Themselves From Each Other For What Is Ostensibly No Real Reason Whatsoever.

In the past year alone, I’ve coached more than a handful of men who have recently been served divorce papers. None have cheated on their partners or been abusive. There isn’t a long-standing pattern of them being “Mr. Nice Guy” or lacking masculine presence.

In every case the marriage had been steady, and apparently happy for years. Then one day, BOOM…the hammer drops.

I already know what you’re thinking. There’s got to be some other guy. As reasonable a conclusion as that would have been under such circumstances a mere five years ago, all signs in these most recent cases point to that not being a factor. These couples have trackers on each other’s phones, spend nearly all of their time together, etc.

Never in twenty years of coaching had I ever seen such a pattern. There is quite literally no reason why these couples should be breaking up.

But Then I Dug Deeper…

As it turns out, the common thread in each of these situations was a third party whispering in the wife’s ear. A BFF was going through a tough divorce, and it turns out divorce is more contagious now than ever. Or mama had gotten drawn into that genre of YouTube channels that proliferate cynicism toward all MOTOS (members of the other sex). Sometimes both.

Because of “influencers” either online or IRL, these wives were filing for divorce as a preemptive strike against a newfound fear of what horrible things their husband was probably going to end up doing to them if they stuck around. It sounds crazy, but it’s happening all the time nowadays.

If you doubt the power of this phenomenon, consider how influential an orchestrated media frenzy was in escalating the Rwandan genocide. Look up Radio Télévision Libre des Mille Collines (RTLM).

No, this is not gender-specific. I’ve also been getting calls from men who are thinking about bailing out of their marriages after binging on “redpilled” videos themselves. Their wives have been nothing but sweet, kind, loyal and sexually interested for years, but now the guy is second-guessing everything.

Importantly, not only can the faces behind the videos on YouTube be male or female, the videos themselves can specifically target either gender. It doesn’t matter. Both husbands and wives are apparently watching them regardless.

For example, a wife might not be influenced directly by another woman who’s angry and fed up. She can watch a #MGTOW video and scare herself stiffless that this is how men think and talk about women nowadays.

But no matter what the mechanism is, here’s what’s abundantly clear: The third-party experiences of friends or even hearsay from total strangers on the Internet are driving life-altering estrangement from those we allegedly love, and who apparently love us back.

So much for connection, communication, or dare I say trust between spouses anymore. Any of that is apparently not even up for consideration these days. Unsuspecting husbands and wives are being blindsided by this stuff without any warning, let alone any say in the matter.

But It’s Not Just Marital Relationships That Are Affected.

Most recently, I’ve been hearing from moms and dads whose kids have just flat-out ghosted them.

Not fair-weather friends who moved. Not buddies who left their company and work somewhere else now. Their own freaking offspring.

In years past, it wasn’t unheard of for a bratty teenager to choose living with the “cool” mom or dad who was lenient with them to escape the other parent’s insistence on schoolwork, chores and general lessons in responsibility.

But nowadays when that sort of thing happens, the kid goes dark completely. Sons and daughters aren’t seeing any need to ever contact the other parent again. Calls, emails and facetimes from distraught and heartbroken parents who’ve only ever tried to love them are ruthlessly ignored.

It’s well-documented how parents pay for college only to have their now-adult child move back in with them after graduation. But these days something else is going on. Kids graduate and never call their parents ever again.

Meanwhile, I’m getting more reports than ever from people who claim they haven’t talked to their siblings, let alone aunts and uncles, for years…and nobody seems to be emotionally torn up over it. With this pattern of blood relation having no objective meaning going mainstream, we’re left wondering why people ever checked in with relatives anyway. Was it just because we were nosy? If so, wouldn’t everyone involved be better off? That’s the guilt-free conclusion.

In each and every one of the cases I’m considering here, nothing wrecked the relationship, per se. Nobody committed a breach. Whether out of blatant selfishness, pure convenience or perhaps some sort of latent psychopathy, someone is just…gone. With no intention to ever be in contact again.

Married couples decide to go it alone, just for kicks. Grown kids no longer see the need for their parents once they can pay their own bills. I’ve talked to real, actual human beings who simply don’t understand why someone should be treated as “special”, or matter in some unique way simply because they’re a blood relative. All that matters is what’s in it for them, and they’re bluntly outspoken about it.

But here’s the thing. We’re simultaneously in the throes of a pandemic of loneliness. The US Surgeon General advises on the healing effects of social connection and community, which as recently as a decade ago would have sounded like a firm grasp of the obvious.

But people are making a conscious decision to dispose of their closest relationships. They throw away relationships because they don’t matter to them, and then find they’ve underestimated the need to be seen, heard and felt. No connection with anyone lands differently than they had expected. That’s the part the “redpilled” videos neglected to warn them about.

As It Turned Out, Social Media Was No Replacement For Real-Life Human Connection, Was It? So Now What?

If parents so casually split nowadays, is there any wonder our aforementioned offspring are trivializing the meaning of family?

And if our kids are alienating themselves from their own parents by choice, what reason do they have to aspire to be parents themselves?

How do we stop being so cavalier toward our alleged “loved ones” and get back in touch with the significance of “significant others”?

How can we remind ourselves that families are there to stick up for one another when times are rough, and to celebrate together in times of victory?

Ultimately, and without melodramatic intent here, what we’re talking about here is far too impactful upon the future of the human race to be as underreported as it is.

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